WASHINGTON, DC – President Elect Donald Trump received some bad news today following his pre-presidential physical.
“We informed Mr. Trump that after several rounds of confirmatory testing, he has dangerously thin skin and is at an increased risk for both basal cell carcinoma and squamous cell carcinoma (skin cancer),” explained White House doctor Neil Stephens. “We have advised him to make sure he uses sunscreen whenever he is outside and to refrain from using tanning beds everyday as is his current practice.”
Trump reportedly denied the doctors diagnosis, saying that his skin is fine and he knows better than the doctor.
“This is just some guy who only met me for an hour and knows nothing about me or my skin,” said Trump. “I have the best skin, my skin is yuge and beautiful.”
Trump is now in the process of selecting a new White House physician as he promptly fired Dr. Stephens after getting the diagnosis.
“Mr. Trump is going to look at a long list of doctors we have prepared for him and interview each one,” said Trump adviser Steve Bannon. “I have reached out to several prominent anti-science osteopaths and chiropractors like Dr. Sherri Tenpenny, Dr. Joe Mercola, Dr. Josh Axe and others. They are all very excited about the opportunity.”
Non-quack doctors are of course worried about the move, as they fear it will only add unearned clout to an unqualified and unscientific “doctor” like Mercola or Tenpenny if they are chosen.
“We already have a science-illiterate president and chief adviser, we don’t want the White House doctor to be a quack as well,” explained pharma shill Dr. Paul Offit. “We are crossing our fingers that Trump, for once, doesn’t disappoint the science and medical community and makes a smart choice.”
The science and medical community is reportedly breathing normally, having chosen not to hold their collective breath while awaiting the decision.
