NEW YORK, NY – In a shocking turn of events, pharmaceutical and autism-causing company Merck has bought out ALCAN.
ALCAN is one of the largest producers of aluminum foil and tinfoil which is used by anti-vaccine advocates, chemtrail believers, 9/11 truthers, etc. to protect themselves from government mind control.
“This is a very sad day for those of us who are AWAKE,” said John Graham, owner of ‘Conspiracy Theorists Exposing The Truth’ Facebook page. “ALCAN makes some of the best aluminum and tinfoil to use as hats to protect us, I guess I will have to find another company to use.”
The Science Post has learned that several other pharma companies have plans to buy out or merge with the other tinfoil companies which has many people worried. On top of that, there are also rumors that Monsanto Company may be looking into buying out said companies as well.
“If Monsanto gets involved then its all over,” said Graham. “Tinfoil hats and spraying vinegar in the air are our only means of defense. If they buy out vinegar companies too, then we’re really screwed.”
We reached out to both Merck and Monsanto for comment but were told they were too busy trying to find new ways to kill and injure everyone in America to respond.