Breaking: Monsanto to replace glyphosate with expired vaccines

Breaking: Monsanto to replace glyphosate with expired vaccines

ST. LOUIS – In a breaking announcement this morning, Monsanto Company has announced that they will be replacing the main ingredient in their flagship product RoundUp (glyphosate) with expired vaccines procured from vaccine manufacturers.

“Well we know both glyphosate and vaccines are toxic to humans so we decided to test vaccines against fungus and insects as well,” explained CEO Judas Lucifer. “Sure enough the vaccines killed the insects and fungus in no time flat.”

Monsanto is hoping this will quell some of the unfounded fears around glyphosate as they plan a large marketing campaign advertising that RoundUp is now glyphosate-free.

“We know the science-illiterate fear glyphosate perhaps even more than they fear vaccines, so we are hoping this will help our bottom line,” explained Lucifer.

However, not all groups are happy. While some anti-GMO and anti-Monsanto advocates are thrilled that the deadly glyphosate is no longer being used, they are very skeptical that vaccines will be any safer.

“This is one of those ‘pick your poison’ situations. Literally” said March Against Monsanto member Hen Zoneycutt. “We know for a fact that glyphosate can cause any disease you can think of, but vaccines are not far off. We would like to see Monsanto stop using any type of fungicide, herbicide or insecticide all together. That way we can all enjoy overpriced bug-infested produce; the way nature intended.”

Monsanto is reportedly working out deals with both GSK and Merck to have all of their expired mercury-laden, toxin-filled vaccines shipped directly to their manufacturing plant.


  • Vanessa Alim

    I’m against this Frankenstein science…leave ALLAH ‘s creation alone …just trying to keep people ill, then off to the hospital. The hospitals make money …the person/family is now in debt from medical bills . It’s all about money not people!

    • Chris

      This is satire. It is not a real article.

    • Damo

      Allah gave people intelligence for a reason.

      • Vanessa Alim

        Exactly .

        • Damo

          So stop fighting vaccines.

    • sushisnake

      Vanessa, medicine ISN’T all about money in most countries – it really IS all about people. Medicine appears to be all about money to Americans because they stuck with a fully privatised health care system instead of following the rest of the world into socialised health care.

      If you started ranting about Big Pharma shills protecting big profits in all the countries with single payer universal health care, the first question you’d get is “What big profit?” and the first action would be a call to the local psych hospital ambulance service to pick you up.

      • Vanessa Alim

        Some of your argument I can agree with …I was only speaking of my country so you don’t be confused.


    “We know for a fact that glyphosate can cause any disease you can think of, but vaccines are not far off”

    LOL that is hillarious