ST. LOUIS – In a breaking announcement this morning, Monsanto Company has announced that they will be replacing the main ingredient in their flagship product RoundUp (glyphosate) with expired vaccines procured from vaccine manufacturers.
“Well we know both glyphosate and vaccines are toxic to humans so we decided to test vaccines against fungus and insects as well,” explained CEO Judas Lucifer. “Sure enough the vaccines killed the insects and fungus in no time flat.”
Monsanto is hoping this will quell some of the unfounded fears around glyphosate as they plan a large marketing campaign advertising that RoundUp is now glyphosate-free.
“We know the science-illiterate fear glyphosate perhaps even more than they fear vaccines, so we are hoping this will help our bottom line,” explained Lucifer.
However, not all groups are happy. While some anti-GMO and anti-Monsanto advocates are thrilled that the deadly glyphosate is no longer being used, they are very skeptical that vaccines will be any safer.
“This is one of those ‘pick your poison’ situations. Literally” said March Against Monsanto member Hen Zoneycutt. “We know for a fact that glyphosate can cause any disease you can think of, but vaccines are not far off. We would like to see Monsanto stop using any type of fungicide, herbicide or insecticide all together. That way we can all enjoy overpriced bug-infested produce; the way nature intended.”
Monsanto is reportedly working out deals with both GSK and Merck to have all of their expired mercury-laden, toxin-filled vaccines shipped directly to their manufacturing plant.