ATLANTA, GA – The CDC announced today that they would be debuting their new line of vaccines for the health conscious consumer, diet vaccines.
“The new diet versions of MMR and DTaP will be available starting next year,” said CDC scientist Dr. David Biel. “They will contain significantly less mercury than our regular vaccines and will instead be chock full of aspartame, for a sweetening effect.”
The CDC hopes their new line of vaccines will still cause autism and sterility, which of course is it’s main goal.
“We have had so much success in causing autism in American children and sterility in African women and we hope our diet vaccines will continue that trend,” said Biel.
As always, the reaction among the anti-vaccine camp is mixed. Some are happy that mercury will be taken out of vaccines but worry about the dangers of aspartame.
“Aspartame is still a chemical!” said anti-vaccer and poor beard grower Justin Timberlake. “There is no way my new son will be getting any regular vaccine or these new diet ones, they are all unsafe. I should know too, since I have a high school education and am famous.”
As per usual, the new vaccines have been rushed to market with little to no safety testing.