ATLANTA, GA – A former CDC employee, who wishes to remain unnamed at this time, has come forward with shocking news of a conspiracy by the CDC and major pharmaceutical companies to stamp out the growing issue of rampant stupidity in our society.
“It’s horrible. Big Pharma has started spiking vaccines with fertility drugs in an effort to breed out those people that refuse to take them,” said the source. “I was a janitor on the floor where they were doing the studies and I found a cartoon in a trash bin depicting the plan for the entire scheme. If I had to guess, I’d say that it showed the ratio of intelligent people to morons at around 1000:1, maybe 10000:1. I dunno, I’m not great at quick guesses like that. I come from a long line of idiots. I had to come forward.”
When confronted on the issue, S.A. Tanner, the spokesperson for the leading pharmaceutical manufacturer, Merck, had this to say:
“I don’t know where you’re getting your information from, unless Jimmy’s been digging around in the trash again… Oh, he has. Well, shit. I guess it would have gotten out there eventually. I stand by our decision, it will benefit society greatly, and maybe I can get a moment of peace without having some new asinine conspiracy theory or plot by the government shoved in my face,” said Tanner.
“Those people that, for one reason or another, cannot vaccinate should feel no noticeable impact as, for the most part, they and their offspring should mesh quite well with our new society. I mean, c’mon, are you really going to miss the Timberlakes? The Paris Hiltons? The Biebers? With luck, our methods will even completely eliminate the kind of thinking that leads to the idol worship of people like that. Sure, we’ll still have a few around, but with numbers on our side their insane blabbering will likely go completely unheard. I’d like to stay and chat but I have an appointment to get my toenails gilded, if you’ll excuse me….”
Mike Adams, the founder and head journalist for “Natural News” was visibly upset when talking about the ongoing developments in the case. “This is an outrage! It is a threat to our entire way of life….the gullible, the ignorant….the outright idiotic,” fumed Adams. “How can we be expected to continue on when everybody around us is too smart to fall for our bullshit? I wish to God that I hadn’t found out about this, my first REAL conspiracy, and I’m scared shitless!”
The President has scheduled a press conference for later this evening, at which point our inside sources tell us his response will be “Meh. Let’s go for it.”