Area man can’t grasp science of GMOs, decides he is against them

Area man can’t grasp science of GMOs, decides he is against them

FAIRHAVEN, ND – Area man Russ Hatcher, 31, was concerned about GMOs and decided to do some research. After spending the better part of a week and up to 12 hours reading both anti-GMO and pro-science websites, Russ was no closer to understanding all the science behind GMOs.

“I still don’t know what mutagenesis is, cross-breeding, whatever,” said Hatcher. “It’s all Greek to me. I think it’s just easier to be against them, so that’s the route I’m going to take.”

Upon further investigation, it was revealed that many anti-GMO activists actually have no clue about the science of GMOs and choose to hate them out of ignorance and fear.

“If you were to give a GMO science quiz to the average anti-GMOer, they would fail horribly,” said Kavin Foltta, Monsanto PR shill. “The key is to educate these people on the science and safety of genetically modified foods.”

As for Mr. Hatcher, he is convinced that if something seems “weird” and the science behind it confusing, it must be bad.

“It’s the same thing with vaccines. I can’t wrap my head around how injecting children with the virus, protects them from the virus; it makes no sense. That’s why I became anti-vaccine as well.”

Tough to argue with that logic.


  • Deaudre Lyndell LeCato

    Can you understand the physics of gravity? No? Well then…fly off to the moon.

    You aren’t injecting children with a virus…you are injecting them with the outside so YOUR body makes a note of what its outside looks like so it can more quickly identify it with its own immune system.

    However, in light of satire…people really think this way. It’s sad.

  • Ag Boy


    Is this a real story or from the Onion?

    • Chris

      Go to top of the page. Look at main title in big letters… then read the three words underneath… the third one says “satire.” What do you think?

      • Ag Boy

        Got me on this one. Funny as hell, but think this is real for so many of the anti-GMO crowd.

        • Chris

          Which makes you think, the main point of satire.

      • Louis Richards

        I think it’s getting harder and harder to tell satire from real life.

  • Mark Bender

    Area man strikes again

  • Jazzenjohn

    I used to not care about GMO products, but Area Man looks like the kinda guy I’d want to be if I wasn’t fat and slovenly, So I hate GMO products now too!

  • AuldLochinvar

    !/ A week is hardly enough to understand the whole of mutagenesis, especially as it might pertain to crossbreeding.
    But for the explanation of vaccination why the hell didn’t someone refer him to the story of Jenner, and Pasteur, and then the elements of the human (and presumably every similar animal) immune system. If you know that children who get the measles and recover don’t get it again, you have half the explanation.
    Then again, science is poorly served in places where they worship wealth more than knowledge.

    I have the same problem with Global Warming unbelievers. Damn it, Wikipedia’s coverage of “Radiative Forcing” is quite lucid. You don’t need huge weather models and climate change models. Those are difficult.
    But to know that the planet gets a huge amount of energy from the sun, and has to either get rid of it or get hotter, and that some gases make that more difficult, is pretty simple.

    • Dean Farrell

      Does the word “satire” mean anything to you?

  • Rohan Donald

    Easy fella 70% to 90% of broad acre GMO crops are glyphosate ‘Roundup’ resistant so it practically becomes a study of what the current research says about Roundup & it’s ever increasing use.

  • Daniel Holmes

    Scarily close to possibly being a true story. It’s almost satirical.