CRANBROOK, BC – A British Columbia cherry orchard has been using the unusual method of employing only people who are against vaccines, and production has never been better.
“It all started when we had this one guy, Kevin, on our picking team who we all knew was against vaccines and science,” said owner Bryan Hooker. “He was also our best cherry picker by far. So, as Kevin had pointed out to everyone several times, correlation is the same thing as causation and so I immediately fired everyone else and hired a bunch of Kevin’s anti-vaccine friends.”
According to Hooker, production at the cherry orchard has skyrocket with an yield increase of 340%.
“My friends and I are the best cherry pickers around. FACT” said Kevin. “I have been cherry picking for over 10 years and its the same with my friends. If you want a good cherry picker, you have to look for people who are AWAKE and not under Big Pharma’s spell.”
It is no secret that anti-vaccers are among the best cherry pickers in the world, so it came as a bit of a surprise to Hooker that no on else had thought of his idea.
“I did a quick internet search and found that people like Kevin (who are anti-vaccine) are known the world over as the best of the best when it comes to cherry picking. I thought others would have picked up on this as well but I guess not.”
The only down side to the plan, according to Hooker, is that although the anti-vaccers are the best cherry pickers, they often take extra long lunches to post anti-science rhetoric on the internet.
“I’m thinking of banning cell phones or laptops in the break room but I’m not sure how that would go over,” said Hooker. “I casually mentioned they need to spend less time on the internet at lunch and Kevin and his friends told me to stop right there as I was getting dangerously close to violating their 1st amendment rights…I didn’t even know that amendment meant you had to allow your employees to post things on the internet during company time, but I guess it does.”
*Update: other orchards in the province are challenging the 340% figure, claiming that Hooker does not understand how to do math.