With the announcement of a potential Monsanto takeover by German chemical giant, Bayer AG, Greenpeace employees were thrilled to see their offices filled with Harry and David fruit baskets this morning.

CFO, Brian Baker, was beaming when he remarked, “Wow! These are so much better than those Mrs. Prindable’s Apples we got from ChemChina when they made the play for Syngenta.”

Asked why he thought chemical giants were showering them with luxury fruit baskets, Baker said, “You know, they owe us. We’ve done more to help consolidate the seed and agricultural chemical market than anyone except maybe Friends of Earth.”

Baker bit into a pear while explaining that the Greenpeace strategy to vilify all genetically modified crops without exception has been hugely beneficial to giant agrichemical corporations looking to take over the world’s seed market.

Laughing, Baker said,

 

“What moron would try to break into the GMO business now? We’ve got folks thinking these crops cause everything from dead bees to autism.” Wiping pear drool from his mouth, Baker chortled, “You either need a shit ton of cash or to be the flippin’ Chinese government.”

 

Sniffing a trio of artisanal cheese, Baker added, “We’re incredibly proud of how we’ve helped to create a regulatory system where only huge multinational corporations – or China [laughs]- can afford to be in the seed business.”

Amy Porterfield Levy
Writer, liberal humanist. Huffington Post Contributor. I use gross exaggeration, humor, and blatant stereotyping as literary devices.