Entire 2016 USA men’s hockey team diagnosed with sleeping sickness and chronic fatigue syndrome

TORONTO, CANADA – Team doctors for the 2016 USA World Cup men’s hockey team announced today that the entire roster has been diagnosed with both sleeping sickness and chronic fatigue syndrome.

“We just received the results of all the tests, and all 23 players have both sleeping sickness and chronic fatigue syndrome,” said team doctor Dr. Gary Trapp. “While this is obviously terrible news, it does explain a lot…”

Mostly prevalent in Africa, sleeping sickness is caused by the parasite Trypanosoma brucei and transmitted by the tsetse fly. It is often referred to as the disease which “turns people into zombies.” Chronic fatigue syndrome is characterized by extreme fatigue or tiredness that doesn’t go away with rest.

“Well this certainly explains a lot of what happened in this tournament,” said ex-NHL and USA team member Brett Hull. “Because if I had to describe how they played those games, it would be that they played like zombies.”

Team USA had high hopes coming into the tournament but unfortunately played like absolute shit and were eliminated in two games.

Several NHL and former USA hockey members took to Twitter to poke a little fun at the team, mainly Phil Kessel and Bobby Ryan. After word of the sleeping sickness/zombie diagnosis came out, Rick Grimes also expressed his “concern” over team USA:

 

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The team still plans on playing their last game of the tournament because at this point, things couldn’t really get any worse.

 

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