Cleveland Clinic Replaces Conventional Medicine with The Four Humors System Following Medical Director’s Devastating Cold

Amy Porterfield Levy
Posted on January 10, 2017, 2:20 pm
2 mins

CLEVELAND, OH – Dr. Daniel Neides, Medical Director and Chief Operating Officer of the Cleveland Clinic Wellness Institute, announced his intention on Friday to abandon evidence-based, modern medicine in order to adopt the Four Humors, a healing system favored by Ancient Greek physicians and the doctors of the Middle Ages. Neides’ decision comes on the heels of a devastating cold he caught by coincidence following his annual flu shot. Still struggling with congestion and a runny nose, the doctor blew his nose and stated,

“I missed two whole days of work with a terrible cough.”

Clearly shaken by the frightening experience of having a cold, Neides ranted in an angry letter with several capitalized words that he is determined to roll back the medical advances of the past few centuries with his decision to treat patients using the Four Humors system which includes purging with laxatives and blistering the skin with hot irons. Patients with more serious diseases, such as the cold Dr. Neides suffered, will be treated with aggressive bloodletting and leeches.

Blaming all diseases, including his terrible cold, on the “toxic soup” created by vaccines, shampoo, and furniture, Dr. Neides denounced the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta or “the government” as he refers to it and is now citing a North Carolina-based blogger known as “The Food Babe” as one of his primary resources for shaping the new treatment guidelines. The Food Babe, who became popular several years ago when she admitted publicly that she couldn’t pronounce big words, will be instrumental to the implementation of the Cleveland Clinic’s Four Humors system which focuses on balancing the easy-to-spell bodily liquids known as black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood.

Dr. Neides, who says he is “fired up”, believes that his Medieval Four Humors approach combined with the Food Babe blogger’s research on toxins and long words, will be more effective in treating Cleveland Clinic patients with cancer, heart disease, and bad colds than its current internationally-renowned program of science-based medicine.

Amy Porterfield Levy
Writer, liberal humanist. Huffington Post Contributor. I use gross exaggeration, humor, and blatant stereotyping as literary devices.