An apple a day will not keep the naturopath away, study finds

science, health, satire, vaccines.

SPRINGFIELD, KY – In a new study from the University of Kentucky, researchers followed 214 adults who use naturopaths as their primary care physician. They subjects were then told to eat 1 apple everyday for a year.

At the end of the year, 164 of the participants had completed the study while 29 dropped out, 7 were eliminated for noncompliance, and 14 participants died due to preventable illness.

Of the 164 people who ate an apple every day for a year, all of them saw their naturopath at least 6 times during the 12 month study period.

“All of the participants, at the urging of their naturopaths, continued to schedule regular visits” said Dr. Kerry Boiling, PhD. “We also noted that not one of the study participants had anything medically wrong which would require so many visits to a healthcare practitioner.”

Researchers were somewhat disappointed that the ‘apple a day’ philosophy did so poorly in the study. Upon further investigation however, it became clear why.

Josh Axe and Dr. Oz smiling about all their money.

“Even eating an apple a day isn’t going to cure my Morgellons disease,” said one person from the study. “My naturopath said I need to see him at least once a month for treatment. I’m not gambling with my life.”

Other participants experienced similar issues with their naturopaths, who urged them to make regular monthly or even weekly appointments to make sure they were getting the care they needed.

“While I think eating apples everyday is great, it is no substitute for my herbs and essential oils,” said “Dr.” Josh Axe. “Look, I am just trying to help people; I’m not it in for the money like the big pharma controlled medical doctors. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fire one of my housekeepers.”

The full study results will be published in next months issue of JAMA (Journal of American Medical Apples).


SP Team

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