NEW YORK, NY – Merck Pharmaceuticals made a major announcement today when they revealed their entire lineup of vaccines are going to be gluten-free.
“Ever since I stopped feeding Hudson gluten he hasn’t been in any car accidents, broken any bones, has passed all of his classes at school and continues to grow.”
“This is a major step for us,” said Merck CEO Dr. Harold Ramis. “Well technically no vaccines have ever contained gluten, we are only now realizing how much people seem to care about it. We are going to advertise the shit out of this.”
Gluten has seemingly pulled away from things like MSG, sugar and salt to be the new thing that causes everything.
“This is great news, especially for people like my son who can’t go anywhere near gluten,” explained Gail Wideman, mother of 6 year-old non-celiac Hudson. “Ever since I stopped feeding Hudson gluten he hasn’t been in any car accidents, broken any bones, has passed all of his classes at school and continues to grow.”
Anti-vaccine advocates seem to be very confused about the announcement having never blamed gluten in vaccines for autism.
“Wait, are you telling me that once they proved mercury didn’t cause autism and we switched to blaming aluminum that we actually had a third option?” said anti-vaccine dad of Tanner, Tim. “Man, chalk this one up to a lack of research on our end.”
The gluten-free versions of the vaccines are expected to be available since always.
