Conflict over which vaccine component causes autism nearly derails anti-vaccine conference

Science, Vaccines, Med School, Satire

A panel discussion over which ingredient(s) in vaccines causes autism resulted in confusion and chaos at the most recent meeting of the National Vaccine Information Center’s board of directors. While there was universal agreement that vaccines caused autism, panel members were split between those who blamed thimerosal, the MMR vaccine (which never contained thimerosal), aluminum, fetal DNA, anti-freeze, or formaldehyde.

According to transcripts, younger members protested the continued tactic of blaming thimerosal and the MMR for autism. “No childhood vaccines contain thimerosal, and few subjects have been as thoroughly debunked as the link between the MMR vaccine and autism,” said Dr. Larry Gordon, a newer member of the board. “New times call for new tactics. We now have fetal DNA and aluminum to work with. These sound scary. We should go with that.”

However founding director of the organization, Babs Low Kisher, insisted that there was no need to change course. “People have been terrified about mercury in vaccines since we started this whole campaign.  Just listen to me say it over and over again ‘mercury in vaccines, mercury in vaccine.’ What could possibly go wrong?”

Eventually all sides agreed it was important to have a common culprit on which to blame autism, and realized that using the buzzword “multifactorial” would be an ideal compromise.

Proud member of the flock. Possibly evil.