California mom crushed to learn Glyphosate unlikely to cause cancer

science, health, satire, vaccines.

LOS ANGELES, CA – A California mom is furious this week after experts from the World Health Organization and the U.N.’s Food and Agriculture Organization announced that glyphosate (widely known as the popular weed killer, RoundUp), is “unlikely to pose a carcinogenic risk to humans from exposure through diet.”

Slamming her iPhone down on the kitchen table, Jen Phillips screamed, “What the hell do you mean, it’s unlikely to cause cancer? My whole identity depends on this stuff giving kids cancer.”

While mostly devastated that children won’t develop cancer from eating cereal, Phillips is also agonizing over the wasted hours spent posting conspiracy articles on Facebook and spamming friends with online petitions. “I’ve spent years building my brand by scaring moms about glyphosate. And now you’re telling me it won’t give their babies cancer? Do you not realize that I have a goddamned WordPress blog dedicated to this?”

When asked how she planned to move past the tragedy of glyphosate not causing cancer, Phillips glared with determination, “This is my life they’re messing with, you know. I don’t care if it causes cancer or not – someone is going to pay.” Phillips was last spotted on Twitter plotting to destroy the reputations of WHO and FAO scientists.

Amy Porterfield Levy

Writer, liberal humanist. Huffington Post Contributor. I use gross exaggeration, humor, and blatant stereotyping as literary devices.