NEW YORK, NY – Big Pharma announced today that aluminum will be phased out of childhood vaccines, similar to the way mercury was many years ago. When mercury (thimerosal) was removed from childhood vaccines, anti-vaccine advocates were elated and claimed that autism rates would bottom out.
Unfortunately, autism diagnoses continued to increase so anti-vaccine advocates switch to blaming aluminum in vaccines for autism.
“We have a few tricks left up our sleeves,” said one anti-vaccine father, Tim. “We have slowly been blaming every ingredient in vaccines for autism, so if they take out aluminum – and yes, that would terrible for us – we will just more heavily blame things like formaldehyde and fetuses.”
The anti-vaccine crowd seems to be split on the news: some are happy that a KNOWN neurotoxin is being taken out of vaccines, while others are concerned that this will limit their arsenal when it comes to listing scary sounding vaccine ingredients.
“Well shit. I’ve been blaming aluminum in vaccines for autism, MS, cancer, everything you can think of for years,” said anti-vaccine cult member Josh Johnson. “I even bought getaluminumoutofvaccines.com. That’s $9 I’ll never see again. Thanks Obama.”
