Researchers prove autism causes vaccination

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – In a groundbreaking study from the University of Utah, researchers have revealed that autism causes vaccination. In a study of 2,323 parents, the researchers found that 100% of those on the autism spectrum fully vaccinated their children, while only 87% of neurotypical parents did so.

“Our research shows that those parents with autism were fully capable of making a rational risk/benefit analysis in deciding to vaccinate their children,” said lead researcher Dr. Liz Reese. “In contrast, a substantial percentage of neurotypical parents fell prey to cognitive traps and delusions, which prevented them from vaccinating their children.”

“I may have a hard time reading other peoples’ emotions,” said study participate Matt Karey, who has autism. “But I know that the benefits of vaccines vastly outweigh the risks.”

In contrast, neurotypical study participant Kerri Fivenickel told researchers, “I’ve done my research on vaccines. I know they contain toxic toxins, and I don’t want to inject that into the bloodstream of my children. Vaccines are just a Big pHARMa plot to enrich themselves.”

“Many anti-vaccine cult members believe that people with autism spectrum disorder are damaged, lost, and unfit to make good decisions as parents; well this study just took a giant steaming shit on top of that theory” said Reese.


Proud member of the flock. Possibly evil.