FDA approves Monsanto’s 100 pound GMO mosquito to wipe out Zika

FDA approves Monsanto’s 100 pound GMO mosquito to wipe out Zika

MIAMI, FL – The FDA has approved the use of Monsanto’s latest creation to combat the Zika virus: a 100 pound super mosquito.

“This new apex predator has been genetically modified to hunt down mosquitoes carrying the virus,” said Monsanto CEO Judas Lucifer. “The only thing we don’t know is what happens after they kill them all off. We’re hoping they’ll just be cool and not bother anyone.”

Critics of the decision are crying foul that the new mutant mosquito has not been properly tested.

“They haven’t done any tests with this giant thing at all yet they have approved it? It’s just like all those GMO foods that they have never, ever tested,” said anti-GMO activist Erin Lizz. “The only information I can find on Zika, GMOs and Monsanto is all negative. Not one anti-gmo or anti-vaccine website I have seen says anything good about them.”

So far, Monsanto says they have successfully created 5 of the super mosquitoes with little to no problems.

“Only one of the five creations managed to get loose,” said geneticist Joey Mengalls. “It took a few us, but we managed to kill it; we lost two of our colleagues in the process, but now we know how many gunshots it takes to kill one….so that’s good.”

The new super mosquitoes are expected to be released in the next few weeks.

 

  • Keith Duhaime

    Correct me if I am wrong, but Florida is an open-carry state, so there should be no problem turning these things loose. Now where did I leave my FN SCAR? Oh wait, a 12 gauge might be a better idea.

  • RustyBertrand

    Judas Lucifer. LOL!

  • Somsphet

    I’m gonna need a bigger boat….

  • Louis Cuchiara

    This article is fake, but it’s funny how the only research tools sited are “Anti-GMO and Anti-Vaccine”, both of which are all about fear mongering. Of course nothing positive will be found on those sites. Try an actual science website to find that gmo’s have been around as long as America has been around. General George Washington was the first American to start modifying wheat crops to make them grow stronger and be more productive and was able to do it with the technology of his day by hand sorting wheat, selecting the strongest plants seeds, and controlling which plants those seeds were pollinated by, which were not always wheat plant pollen. As for a 100lb mosquito, If you know anything about insects, then you know that is not even possible within the laws of physics, our atmosphere doesn’t have the levels of oxygen needed to keep it alive, and the body structure wouldn’t allow for a mosquito that large.

    • Mandy Clarke

      You know this is satire, right?

    • Martin Butters

      For the love of god! Maybe the FDA needs to approve Louis a new GMO brain!

    • Trigger Me Xerxes!!!

      Selective breeding is not the same thing as transgenesis, not even close. Not even by a country mile. Nor did olé george ever breed a gene into a wheat plant to allow it to survive direct application of heroic doses of herbicide… Might want to revisit one of your “actual science” sites again, I reckon you missed something…

    • Alex Randomkat

      Look up, it says:

      “Science, Health, SATIRE”

  • So that needs what, like 15 gallons of blood per day, to live??? 😅

  • Sacwoodpusher

    That’s NOT a Monsanto Mosquito, the photo is a picture of a Minnesota Mosquito. Weighing in at 100 lbs. and having a 6 foot wingspan, it has been know to carry off pets and small children. Luckily, they freeze during the cold Minnesota winters, but let’s hope they never migrate south.

  • Everyone is overlooking the strong possibility that a 100-lb-mossie is not up to the job. It should be a 200-lb dragonfly, with saber teeth, and maybe shooting formic acid from the GMO ant gene spliced in. It will probably be safe, and if not, then how about trying 600-pound frogs. Poison ones.

  • Tara

    I hate to correct y’all, but that’s an Alaskan mosquito. They have a statue of the last great one in Soldotna. I was just admiring it before the little troops attacked me and gave me West Nile (truth on my grandmothers grave).

    The best part of it is the CEO’s name. Judas Lucifer 😂😂😂😂😂

    Photo included. It flipped when I added it. Good luck