Breaking: 3 Olympians found dead after attempting bloodletting

Breaking: 3 Olympians found dead after attempting bloodletting

RIO, BRAZIL – In a breaking story out of the Rio Olympics, 3 athletes from the United States who have yet to be named have been found dead in their rooms. Reports indicate they died of massive blood loss after they attempted bloodletting, apparently to gain a competitive advantage.

Bloodletting is an ancient technique whereby blood is withdrawn from a patient to cure or prevent illness and disease. The practice is believed to have originated thousands of years ago and was used up to as late as the 19th century.

“We know these particular athletes were very fond of placebo procedures like cupping, homeopathy and acupuncture,” said pathologist Dr. Jose Vasquez. “After a cupping session and taking some magic water (homeopathy) the deceased men attempted to bleed themselves and lost consciousness. They then bled out on the floor.”

US Olympic Team officials have released a statement advising athletes not to use bloodletting as the results can be disastrous. They did not mention anything about cupping, homeopathy or acupuncture.

“We would never advise our athletes to attempt bloodletting to gain a competitive advantage,” said US Olympic Director Brian Becker. “We can confirm at this time that three of our athletes have died from attempting this procedure. We will have more information after we speak to the families.”

Inside sources tell The Science Post that Michael Phelps was NOT among the three athletes found dead today in the athletes village.

 

  • Mariano Castrillon

    I do not believe this article.

    • Tigger_the_Wing

      Good.

      You did read the masthead, didn’t you?

      • Mariano Castrillon

        “Science, Health, Satire”. Why do you pick on me?.

        • Mike Stevens

          Easy mistake. No worries.

    • Chris

      What gave it away? Was it the word “Satire” in the subtitle at the top of the page?

      • Mariano Castrillon

        “Science, Health, Satire”. Why do you pick on one of them instead of on me?.

        • Chris

          “One of them”: who is “them”? You were the one who claimed you did not believe this satirical article. If you don’t like that being pointed out, then be sure that you check the entire page to see who wrote it, what kind of site it is and what kind of comments it gets.