NEW YORK, NY – Whole Foods Market Inc. which racked up nearly $5 billion in sales in the first quarter of 2015, will begin selling a new product as early as next month. The oil, which is said to contain “only 100% natural, non-GMO, organic snake oil”, will retail for $34.99/400ml bottle.
So what exactly is in it? According to Whole Foods manager Jeremy Johns, actual snake oil. “Not many people realize that you can get actual oil from a snake. This is exactly what we have done. Considering people are spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars on other remedies that are nothing more than “snake oil”, we figured why not sell the real thing?”
Whole Foods has yet to release which ailment the new snake oil will be marketed to prevent or cure. According to Johns, “We haven’t made that part up yet, but we are leaning towards Fibromyalgia or maybe detoxification.”
Homeopaths and Naturopaths are reportedly lining up to get their hands on the new product to stock their
stores clinics with the next miracle cure.