Well known super star-fashion guru-self degreed health specialist-doctor lady, Gwyneth Paltrow, recently gave an interview stating she has discovered a cure for dry eye and the overall dullness of the way the world looks. Jell-O!
Yes. Completely-right-about-everything Paltrow discovered what she calls “The Cure” after walking into the kitchen for some Goop Soup. Paltrow spotted the box of instant Jell-O on the counter and immediately went to action.
“I saw it sitting there and suddenly a voice told me it was my destiny to cure the plight of all visually-handicapped people. A calling, really,” she said. So how does one cure those itchy eyes for good? Lucky for you, I have a signed copy of her step-by-step miracle right here! The following steps are verbatim for the health goddess herself:
Step 1: Pick up box of Jell-O in your favorite color (as long as your favorite color is red, green, orange, or purple)
Step 2: Open box CAREFULLY to avoid cardboard cuts (those are ouchy)
Step 3: Make Jell-O (those directions are on the box)
Step 4: Place Jell-O in a hypoallergenic bowl within your refrigerator, which must be a cool 34 degrees
Step 5: Wait 1 hour and 24 minutes (not a minute more nor a minute less!)
Step 6: Slice perfected Jell-O into paper thin slices
Step 7: Dip the slices in contact solution
Step 8: Insert and wait for the intense stinging to go away (it’s worth it)
I know what you’re thinking, the Jell-O’s totally going to melt from your hot-gooey eye juices. And you’re right. But Jell-O is cheap and never goes bad! Paltrow realized that her new cure might get a little flack and in preparation she released the following statement:
“Fuck you. I’m G. Pal Goddess of all things healthy and right! I don’t need a degree to prove my worth. Don’t believe me? I fucked Iron Man and Brad Pitt. That should be sufficient enough for you.”
You can’t argue with a rock solid argument like that. Degrees are for chumps and for know-it-alls. No one wants to be a Know-It-All. Basic 5th grade logic will never fail you. Ever. Unfortunately for G. Pal her new cure is facing some legal trouble. By using “The Cure” as the name of it she now has to do battle with 80s Original Emo-Kid Robert Smith. It seems Smith was none too happy when the blond stare announced her new vision.
“I don’t want to be associated with that popular, blonde, she-devil. She represents everything I have ever been against. Look at my hair. Is it the hair of someone who follows people like Gwyneth Paltrow?” Smith told Alternative-Music-For-People-Over-40 magazine (AMFP40).
Hopefully our most esteemed advice giver will win her battle so she can continue her journey in making the world a better place. In fact, I’ve ditched my glasses already and am enjoying a green tinted world of glory that I had not known before. Though I think it may be time to change them, I think my eyes are starting to bleed.