Saying that it has to “keep up with the times,” the Catholic Church announced major changes to a core feature of its theology by announcing that it would get rid of 6 of the 7 deadly sins, retaining only Gluttony.
According to Pope Francis, “no one cares about Lust, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, or Pride anymore. As long as you eat non-GMO, locally-grown, organic, pesticide-free, gluten-free food sold at your local farmer’s market, you are a good person in the eyes of the lord. Nothing else matters.”
While some Catholics lobbied to leave one or two of the other sins, according to a spokesman from the Vatican, “there was universal agreement amongst the cardinals that only thin people are good people. If you want to know the true soul of a man, the true measure of his worth, look at his waistline, look what he has on his plate.”
Starting next year, priests will only take confession from parishioners with dietary indiscretions.
