WASHINGTON, DC – With the 355th and 356th mass shootings of the 2015 calendar year happening yesterday, the CDC announced today that dying in a mass shooting is now the second leading cause of death in the United Sates behind heart disease.
“None of these mass shootings would have happened if the victims all had automatic weapons at the ready. I own many guns and have never been the victim of a mass shooting. Check-mate.” – Josh Feurenstein, crazy person.
Mass shootings edged out cancer to take over the number two spot while chemtrails, vaccines and medical errors round out the top 6.
Many Americans believe that the solution to gun violence is simply more guns, since they assume that if everyone is armed, no one will use guns…or something like that.
Andy Borowitz had the following advice:
“Americans must be vigilant and stay safe. They should avoid places like schools, malls, movie theaters and public spaces.”