Man finds cure to illness on completely legitimate website

internet cure

Convinced that he’d finally found the cure for his long-term illness, local resident Lee Williams thanked the website “Totally Real Medicine” for his new chance at life.

“It was absolutely amazing,” said Williams, who, despite suffering from his sickness for the last several years, has yet to see a doctor. “All my symptoms were there. Feeling bad? Check. Still alive? Check. It was unreal.”

Thanks to those seemingly psychic diagnoses and authentic-looking advertisements—which included a woman smiling “as if she’s alive again” and quotes swearing about the awesomeness of the product—Williams purchased DefinitelyNotSugarWater, a pill containing dihydrogen monoxide plus added sucrose.

He hasn’t taken any pills yet, but is completely sure they will do wonders for his illness. “The bottle says the pills will probably kick in one day.”

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Alane Lim

Alane Lim is a materials science student who has taken satire classes with Second City. A while ago, she was assigned to study a chemical called "alane" for not-so-obvious reasons.