Convinced that he’d finally found the cure for his long-term illness, local resident Lee Williams thanked the website “Totally Real Medicine” for his new chance at life.
“It was absolutely amazing,” said Williams, who, despite suffering from his sickness for the last several years, has yet to see a doctor. “All my symptoms were there. Feeling bad? Check. Still alive? Check. It was unreal.”
Thanks to those seemingly psychic diagnoses and authentic-looking advertisements—which included a woman smiling “as if she’s alive again” and quotes swearing about the awesomeness of the product—Williams purchased DefinitelyNotSugarWater, a pill containing dihydrogen monoxide plus added sucrose.
He hasn’t taken any pills yet, but is completely sure they will do wonders for his illness. “The bottle says the pills will probably kick in one day.”