LAKE PLACID, NY – In what was being heralded by many as the greatest meeting to ever take place in the history of mankind, the 1st Annual Summit of Natural Health Gurus has reportedly ended in violence. The summit took place in Lake Placid, NY over the past three days and included such esteemed guests as David Avocado Wolfe, Andrew Wakefield, Modern Alternative Mama (Kate Tietje), Megan Heimer from Living Whole, Mike Adams, Billy DeMoss and The Food Babe, just to name a few.
Everything was going fine up until the second day of the summit, when Vani Hari remarked to Mike Adams that the apple he was eating was not locally grown and contained dangerous levels of ascorbic acid, a dangerous chemical.
Things only snowballed from there.
David Avocado Wolfe piped in saying that he grew his own apples in his backyard and that by playing soothing music and chanting while they grew, he had the most nutritious and “happiest” apples of anyone. Billy DeMoss then jumped in showing off his lunch of fresh fish that he claims to have caught with a spear in the lake you can see out the window of Ballroom C.
Kate Tietje and Megan Heimer were quick to jump in saying that they too had brought very nutritious lunches along to the conference. Their meals mostly consisted of gluten-free, non-GMO whole grain bread and two bottles of air.
More and more of the natural health pseudoscience community who was in attendance at the summit came forward touting their lunches as the healthiest and most nutritious at the conference, and soon there was a cacophony of health sounding food names filling the entire lobby of the hotel.
That’s when (according to police reports obtained by The Spudd) Mr. Avocado Wolfe climbed onto a table, howled like a wolf, and jump onto the back of Andrew Wakefield. All hell broke loose after that as a massive brawl erupted, which only ended when riot police were called in.
Several of the summit attendees where seriously injured and their situations were only made worse by them refusing to go to hospital and instead relying on herbs, homeopathy and hope.