FDA approves the use of Thoughts and Prayers to treat gunshot wounds

Washington DC – The U.S. Food and Drug Administration today approved the use of Thoughts and Prayers (T&P), for the treatment of gunshot wounds in humans.

This announcement follows six years of testing of thoughts and prayers on field mice. Studies showed that mice that had been shot with a single 60-round volley from an AR-15 had 15% greater viability after receiving just 3 doses of T&P than a control sample of similarly shot mice, once the bloody pulp of a carcass was found. Mice treated with only thoughts or only prayers showed no beneficial response.

“The American mouse is the safest mouse in the world thanks in part to the FDA’s ongoing work to identify, isolate and ignore actual science,” said Surgeon General Dr. Hull House. “We hope to translate our mouse success into humans on the receiving end of the Second Amendment which is the most important amendment, even though its second and not first.”

“Now that T&P is in our medical quiver, we need no other medical response to celebratory gunfire at schools, businesses and sporting events,” said FDA Commissioner Smithin Weston. “On the other hand, when a Republican Senator is shot, then it’s “Katie, open the medicine chest,” said Gottlieb as he sketched an air LOL in front of him.

There currently is no FDA guidance for the prevention of gunshot wounds.  All research into how to eliminate, minimize or treat gunshot wounds has been prohibited by Wayne LaPierre, spokesnipe for the NRA and denture wearer.

“While death from automatic weapons is both preventable and treatable, blah blah blah, NRA,” added the Surgeon General as he blew spit bubbles on his lips.

The FDA, an agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, protects the public health by assuring the safety, effectiveness, and security of human and veterinary drugs, vaccines and other biological products for human use, and medical devices. The agency also is responsible for the safety and security of our nation’s food supply, cosmetics, dietary supplements, products that give off electronic radiation, and for regulating tobacco products. But not guns because they don’t kill people. It’s the product with a perfect alibi, time after time after time after time after time after time.


Los Angeles-based comedy writer.