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CDC Director on the Spread of Zika: Welp

in Conspiracy by

Miami, FL – Tom Frieden, the nation’s leading infectious disease expert, delivered a solemn message last week about the spread of Zika, the mosquito-borne virus that is spreading throughout Florida. The hoarse Frieden stood before the Miami audience and just said, “Welp,” and walked off the stage.

The exhausted Frieden, who has spent months warning the public about Zika and begging Congress for federal funding to help fight its spread, left Miami without saying, “I told you so,” to a single person about the fact that Zika – and the risk of severe birth defects and Guillain-Barre syndrome that comes with it – will now be endemic in parts of our hemisphere mostly because we’re all just so fucking stupid.

Sources close to the CDC director say that Frieden deserves a vacation after dealing with the idiots in Congress who held up the Zika bill for 7 months over trucking hours and the Confederate flag and for facing a constant barrage of misinformation from conspiracy theorists who fight mosquito-eradication and vaccine efforts at every turn. According to one CDC insider:

“Disease control in the U.S. is now being dictated by racist crybabies and people who sell coconut oil on the Internet. That’s how fucking stupid this has gotten.”

A despondent Frieden was last seen sucking on a cough drop and calculating how many babies will suffer catastrophic brain damage because he couldn’t scream loudly enough for anyone to listen.