We are not anti-vaccine, we are pro-unattainable vaccine

CHICAGO, IL – A consortium of concerned citizens and advocacy groups has issued a policy statement clarifying their stance on vaccines. Spokesperson Christine Hayden commented: “We have been accused of being anti-vaccine. Nothing could be further from the truth. We envision a world where everyone can feel good about vaccines, so that other people who actually care about the health of the public and their own children can choose them without fear. These are the four pillars of our policy:”

The Toxins

Vaccines should not contain any ingredients that are hard to pronounce, or sound icky. Every ingredient needs to undergo rigorous Google toxicology analysis.

The Schedule

Sure they have degrees in virology, immunology, infectious disease, statistics and epidemiology, but they don’t know what my child likes for breakfast. Public health decisions should be made on case-by-case basis based on intuition, fear, and paranoia.

The Research

Ours is comprised of heart-felt anecdotes from concerned, loving parents. Theirs is comprised of cold facts collected from hundreds of thousands of anonymous people. Our research needs to be taken just as seriously as research produced by the so-called experts.

Big Pharma

Big Pharma has a financial motive and cannot be trusted to produce vaccines. We will only accept vaccines produced by entities that lack Big Pharma’s scientific expertise, production capacity, quality control, and distribution resources.