WASHINGTON, DC – A statement is expected to come from the White House later today confirming that the Bible will be added to the US school curriculum by the year 2020. However, what has some Christians upset is that the Good Book will be taught as fiction and creative writing.
“The Bible is such a great example of creative writing and one of the greatest works of fiction to ever be written,” said 5th grade teacher Mr. Matthews. “I’m always pushing my students to get more creative with their writing and adding the Bible to my class I think will really help.”
Conservative Christian commentator Charlie Kirk sees it differently:
“The Bible should replace every book in every school. It has every answer anyone could ever need,” claims Kirk. “We don’t need to be teaching kids things like math, chemistry, biology, any of that crap. Everything they need to know is the bible, including when and how to stone someone to death.”
Some of the bibles being printed and ordered for the schools will be the King James version, while others will come in a more creative, graphic-novel style.
“I’ve seen one of the early mockups of the graphic bible and it’s pretty awesome,” said Mr. Matthews. “Jesus is riding a dinosaur and he charges through a town hunting for people wearing clothes made of more than one kind of fabric.”
There is no word yet on which states will be getting which form of the bible. Other reports indicate that Charlie Kirk is thinking of suing Mr. Matthews for $250 million.