NEW YORK, NY – In a huge win in the fight against the Zika virus, researchers announced today that they have successfully trialed a new vaccine against the disease with only 25% of the trial participants getting autism.
“This a great day for us. A great day for everyone really,” said lead researcher Dr. Karen Campoli. “Most vaccines we currently have cause autism in the 40-60 percent range, so to get this one down to under 30% is a really big accomplishment.”
According to reports, the researchers were able to curb the autism side-effect by removing the unnecessary toxins which are present in all other vaccines (especially the ones given to children).
“This new vaccine is free from almost all toxins,” said Dr. Campoli. “Unfortunately, the one thing were weren’t able to get rid of was the dihydrogen monoxide, one of the main toxins present in childhood vaccines which is known to cause autism.”
Reports indicate that Big Pharma is pressuring the CDC and WHO to recommend the vaccine be given to everyone on the planet in order to make as much profit as possible. “It is crucial that everyone in the world gets this vaccine,” said Big Pharma lacky Dr. Orac Novella. “Just like the flu vaccine every year…and….[laughs]….the other ones we say you should get all the time.”
Sources close to the story confirmed that the new vaccine will be rushed through the approval process and soon all Americans will be forced at gunpoint to get the shot.
