RALEIGH, NC – Happy Hour took a violent turn last night after 36-year-old, Brittany Lamping, made the shocking announcement that she had been faking concern about endocrine disruptors for years.
According to an eyewitness, Lamping was laughing hysterically when she told her group of girlfriends that she “wasn’t scared of fucking body wash and never had been.”
There was an audible gasp when she taunted the group that her perfume wasn’t phthalate-free and that she even ate soup “out of a can” sometimes. After slamming a Fireball shot, Lamping threw the glass on the floor and burped, “I don’t even know what a goddamned endocrine disruptor does. Bwah!”
As the bouncer escorted her out to a waiting police car, Lamping yelled back over her shoulder, “Dr. Bronner’s toothpaste sucks and your breath stinks!”
Visibly shaken, Lamping’s friends ordered a round of mojitos and lit their American Spirit cigarettes. One friend was overheard saying, “I don’t think I can be friends with someone who doesn’t care about endocrine disruptors. I mean, if you don’t care about endocrine disruptors in your make-up, do you care about anything?”
Lamping was last seen at a local grocery store, defiantly buying non-organic dryer sheets.
