Why I chose not to vaccinate my children

science, health, satire, vaccines.

Op Ed by Matt Gonker

There are plenty of pseudosciencey reasons to not have your children vaccinated. Here are my top ten:

10. I think that pharma companies cannot be sued when it comes to vaccines or something like that

I read on a conspiracy site somewhere that this is true.  There is something called a Vaccine Court where it is actually easier than civil court to get money for a supposed vaccine injury, but I choose to ignore that fact.

9. Pharma companies all have conflicts of interest

Unlike those brave mavericks who live in mansions paid for by alternative medicine and miracle cures sold on the internet.

8. Vaccines are not 100% effective

Sometimes people need booster shots. Therefor all vaccines are useless.

7. Vaccines didn’t save us or something

Did you know that the mortality rates of diseases were going down before vaccines? Also, better hygiene and sanitation cured polio in the 50’s but waited until the 60’s for measles, right around the same time as the vaccines came out. Sanitation can be quite sneaky like that.

6. All other diseases are caused by vaccines. My heart tells me so.

All other diseases like SIDS, cancer and MS are a result of vaccines. Sure I have no proof, but I’m like really smart.

5. I’ve never heard of herd immunity

I don’t understand how it works, therefor it doesn’t exist.

4. There are lots of scary sounding sciency ingredients in vaccines

I don’t like things that sound scary or I can’t pronounce. It’s the same reason I don’t give my kids ascorbic acid or quinoa.

3. Vaccines have DNA in them from various circus animals (I assume)

I can’t remember where, but I read on some anti-vaccine conspiracy website about animal DNA in vaccines. I can only assume it is lions and tigers. Oh my.

2. Babies are being killed to make vaccines

Pharma companies hire out hitmen to assassinate babies and use their DNA to make vaccines. FACT.

1. It’s my choice to put mine and other children at risk

If I want my kids, or my neighbors kids, to get paralyzed by polio that is MY CHOICE. The same way I choose not to put my kids in a car seat when I drive. MY CHOICE.

 

The Spudd would like to thank Matt Gonker for his poignant and not at all ridiculous contribution.

 

SP Team

Evil doktor, pharma shill, vaccine chemist, Monsanto spokesperson, GMO lobbyist, chemtrail deployer and false flag organizer.