SACRAMENTO, CA – Timmy Fivenickle is a normal 8 year old boy who loves the Avengers and playing little league baseball. However, he has a few distict disadvatages to his peers: he has been hospitalized several times for vaccine-preventable diseases and his mother refuses to allow him to use aluminum bats like the rest of the kids.
“I know the dangers of aluminum, I’m not an idiot” said mother Sherry. “The aluminum from those bats is a neurotoxin, just like the aluminum in vaccines. There is no way I am letting my little Timmy use a neurotoxic baseball bat.”
Unfortunately for Timmy, he is forced to use a bat made by his father from their natural, non-GMO tree in the backyard. His parents call it the “paleobat”.
“I can’t hit the ball as far as the other kids” said Timmy. “They all have cool aluminum bats and hit the ball super far. My bat always breaks, and my daddy has to get a new branch from our tree to make me a new one.”
Timmy is currently batting 9th in the rotation, averaging .136 with 0 homeruns and 1 RBI.
