Researchers at Columbia University in New York City have discovered the secret behind the elusive Penske File, which had troubled local man, George Costanza for so long.
“This is not something that just came out of thin air. We have been working long hours on this for many years,” explains lead researcher Dr. Martin Van Nostrand. “The file itself was very ambiguous, we aren’t surprised that Mr. Costanza had so much trouble with it.”
Researchers conducted numerous analyses of the file, countless literature reviews and even brought in a world-renowned cryptographer to work on the file.
“It turns out the file was just full of a bunch of random pages from other projects,” concludes Van Nostrand. “That’s what was so baffling about it. None of the pages seemed to connect at all. There were many long nights in the lab and in the libraries trying to solve this seemingly unsolvable mystery. But, mission accomplished.”
Dr. Van Nostrand further explains: “it appears all they wanted was for Mr. Costanza to put the pages in order and organize the file.”
Results of the research will be published in next month’s issue of the Boca Breeze.
With this mystery seemingly behind them, the researchers have moved onto a new project: how can anyone with even a shred of intelligence or love for their children not get them vaccinated?
-The Spudd
