In what could be the non-shot heard round the world, Reiki master Timothy “Look Ma, no hands!” Catspaugh has opened the world’s first no-shot Reiki immunization clinic last week in Hidden Hills, California.
“It’s a natural extension of Reiki–going from healing without touch to vaccinating without antigen exposure,” notes Catspaugh–a 23rd-level hemi-quadratic post-Hamiltonian practitioner of Reiki (as seen on TV).
The paradigm-shifting discovery came last month, as Catspaugh pondered a YouTube video by Deepak Chopra. Hearing Chopra discuss the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (HUP), Catspaugh realized that both Heisenberg and Chopra had ignored the power of Reiki. The HUP, per Catspaugh, claims it is impossible to simultaneously know precisely both the position and velocity of particle. Catspaugh reasoned that an orthogonal application of Reiki fields by a Reiki master should overcome the limitations claimed by proponents of the HUP. Twenty minutes later, Catspaugh triumphantly tweeted determining the precise location and velocity of a TV remote that had fallen between two couch cushions, using only Reiki and a fuzzy memory of a Kalua-induced hangover the prior weekend.
“I was ecstatic”, beamed Catspaugh. “Using my Reiki powers, I divined the precise (x,y,z,t) coordinates of a remote previously thought buried by my dog in the backyard. Having realized that I had just prevented my ongoing need to get off the couch to change channels, it was but a small deductive leap to realize Reiki could be used to prevent diseases like whooping cough and measles.”
When asked about clinical evidence of Reiki vaccination safety and efficacy, Catspaugh cited a poster he presented last month at the 27th Annual Moorpark AAA Roadside Assistance Fair in which he reports showing the prevention of smallpox in wiener dogs exposed to homeopathic vaccinia broth he purchased online. “It truly was a blinded experiment, as I wore welder’s goggles while my brother put either a real wiener dog or a sham wiener dog within the sphere of my Reiki field. As a final control, he even put a ShamWow within my healing meridians–and I immediately sensed the lack of biovibrational wave functions common to all chamois”. Catspaugh notes not a single dog in his study contracted smallpox, and also reports that, as an added bonus, “most licked themselves a lot less after Reiki as well.”
Catspaugh expects his results to generalize to humans and be even more effective as “people don’t have all the diabolical dielectrical fur that dogs do, so my Reiki energy can reach deeper into their immune systems than in dogs.”
The Reiki Immunization Clinic, Hidden Hills (RICHH) is open most weekdays and occasionally after 2 pm on Saturdays. For further information, please visit www.nosh!tReikivax.com
