PHILADELPHIA, PA – In a shocking verdict, the defendant, known only by his alias “Oscillococcinum” was acquitted on charges alleging he was the “hit man” in vast international conspiracy to eradicate the influenza virus.
The prosecuting attorney, Sam Hahnemann, argued that Oscillococcinum was a hired assassin in a complex conspiracy against influenza perpetrated for decades. Witnesses for the prosecution testified that Oscillococcinum was smuggled into France in the entrails of a Moscovy duck, and from there distributed around the world through a vast network of pharmacies and convenience stores. Persons wishing to rid themselves influenza would pay approximately $25, and in the privacy of their own home, Oscillococcinum would quietly dispatch the influenza virus. This gruesome drama was allegedly played out millions of time worldwide.
Speaking for the defense, Amedeo Avogadro used circumstantial evidence in an attempt to exonerate Oscillococcinum. In his dramatic closing statement, Avogadro argued: “my client, Oscillococcinum has been accused of mass genocide against influenza virus in a brutal, murder-for-hire conspiracy. My client is innocent. I have presented irrefutable evidence that my client could not be responsible for any atrocities against influenza. At the time of these alleged murders, Oscillococcinum was working its way through the wastewater system of a French homeopathic manufacturing plant, en route to the Atlantic Ocean. Therefore, Oscillococcinum was not present, and could not be responsible for any misconduct against influenza.”
After only 6.02 minutes of deliberation, the jury found Oscillococcinum “not guilty” of genocide against influenza.
Speaking through his lawyer, Oscillococcinum stated that he felt the verdict was just, and he planned to continue to not exist.
A juror who did not wish to be identified commented, “anybody who believes in this stuff would have to be a boiron.”