Like all of us, Jeffrey Wilson wants to live a long a happy life, obviously devoid of cancer. But Jeffrey is going to some extreme lengths to do it. With everything from bacon, coffee, wireless signals, the sun, gluten and GMOs said to be a risk factor for cancer, Jeffrey has become somewhat of a recluse.
“At first I was just going to go live on a farm in the middle of nowhere, but then I saw some kind of antenna tower way in the distance and new it wasn’t safe,” explained Wilson. “I did manage to find a plot of land with no towers in site, but then of course remembered the sun can cause skin cancer, so I knew I needed to build a shelter right away.”
Unfortunately for Mr. Wilson, almost all the materials he could find to build his shelter (wood, metal, rocks, mud, a tarp) all had at least one article somewhere on the internet that said they may cause cancer. Wilson also decided to dig a well to get the most “natural” water he could. You can imagine his disappointment when he found and obscure reference that well-water can give you cancer.
“Oh come on!” Wilson yelled. “I can’t even wear clothes either since all the fabrics used to make clothes “may have” at one time or another come in close contact with a GMO and therefor give me cancer. This is getting really, really hard.”
At last report, a bearded and naked Wilson was seen running in a forest on the outskirts of rural Louisville in Northern Kentucky.
