TV personality, actress and author Jenny McCarthy made the startling announcement this morning in front of fans, cameramen and a housefly that was buzzing around the room. “I’m expecting,” she gushed. “And I’m doing everything I can to make sure this one is autistic.”
This announcement follows the news last year that her son, Evan, doesn’t actually have autism and was likely misdiagnosed. “Nuh uh,” Jenny remarked when reporters brought it up. “I cured him with chelation therapy, which got the mercury out of him but also has some potential side effects like cancer, sudden death and me losing my gig as a celebrity speaker. But it was totally worth it because he’s a normal kid now. I don’t resent him that and wish him all the best in life.”
Many readers will recall that McCarthy, the former Playmate, co-host of The View and author of three books on curing an incurable condition through mother’s intuition and ludicrous amounts of money, used to make ludicrous amounts of money through speaking engagements wherein she counseled parents to expose their kids to the risk of very real diseases instead of the non-existent risk of autism. “What do you mean, non-existent?” Jenny replied when asked. “My son totally had it! Just because it’s a frequently misdiagnosed condition with no known cure doesn’t mean he didn’t have it!”
“What matters is not the ‘science’ or the ‘facts’ but rather the experience,” explained her agent and holistic pathologist. “And since her son was cured, that experience has been seriously lacking in America. We tried finding someone to fill her shoes but the only other celebrity stupid enough to put the lives of thousands of children in danger was Bristol Palin, and she kept confusing vaccines with condoms.”
“Yeah, and like, it’s hard enough putting more kids in danger when you’re also putting more kids out there,” Jenny snarked. “I mean, I’m not saying do the science, but at least do the math.”
It was at this point we noticed her son in the kitchen, munching on what appeared to be a tuna sandwich. “It’s OK,” Jenny explained. “I know a tuna sandwich has five times the mercury of a flu shot, but it doesn’t really go into the body when you eat it, I did my research.”
When asked what she’ll do if her next child doesn’t have autism, she pondered. “I guess I could try to save the world from gluten. Did you know that millions of people die every day from eating bread? I mean, millions of people die every day, so how do we know it wasn’t the bread that killed them?”
The interview came to an abrupt end as Jenny got ready for an appointment with her doctor. “But don’t worry,” she said as she grabbed her purse and put her shoes on. “I’m not going to ask for medical advice or anything, I’m just going in for a routine Botox injection.”
