In a stunning reversal on his personal policy of not communicating with humanity in a direct way, God held a press conference today to address recent developments in Oregon. “I’ve tried, folks, I really have,” he said as he explained a recent reversal by the Oregon Senate in their pursuit of a bill to ban vaccine exemptions based on religious or philosophical grounds. “I gave humanity this big, fat brain to help you apes figure stuff out and this is what you do with it?”
God seemed downright wrathful as he explained that he was “opting out” of his relationship with humanity if humanity was going to opt out of their relationship with reason. “You’ve gone to the moon with technology. You don’t die in your 40s anymore, and what do you do? Coffee enemas? Vaccine refusal? Measles? Are you kidding me? Measles?”
When asked about intervening in the vaccine debate, God reminded those in attendance that he has intervened time and time again when humanity seemed bent on damnation. “First came the flood, where I got rid of all the bad people, and you kept on trying to destroy each other. Then I sent Jesus, and what did you do to him? I scaled back my interventions and what did you do then? Every time someone figured out something amazingly wonderful about this world, this universe, you either imprisoned them, burned them at the stake, or otherwise shunned them. No, I’m done.”
God then indicated that he was off to another galaxy to try his hand at intelligent life again, “if you can call not vaccinating your own me-damned children and not protecting them from some horrible diseases ‘intelligent,'” he said as he transformed into a bright beam of light and then disappeared.