NEW YORK, NY – Columbia University researchers have made a startling discovery when looking at the genealogy of pharmaceutical reps.
“We wanted to see if there were any common links among them, since they all seem to act pretty much the same way,” said Dr. Marck Bayer. “We were shocked at what we found out, but I can’t say that we are totally surprised.”
The further the researchers went back into the family trees of pharmaceutical reps, the deeper and darker their pasts became. First they found they all had common ancestors in the Illuminati and the New World Order. When the researchers kept digging and going back even further, they finally arrived at Lucifer himself.
“We double checked our results multiple times” said Dr. Bayer. “We kept getting the same answer: pharmaceutical reps are decedents of the dark lord himself.”
Conspiracy theory and anti-science/anti-medicine/anti-vaccine websites have been preaching the evils of Big Pharma and drug pushers for years. “It’s common knowledge that all drugs companies are inherently evil and part of the global conspiracy being overseen by the New World Order, but I don’t think even we saw this one coming” said Alex Jones, radio host and completely normal guy.
The researchers say they next plan on tracing the lineage of candy stripers.
