CHARLOTTE, NC – Vani Hari was angry and in pain last night as she reportedly stubbed her toe on her coffee table and is at risk of losing her toenail. Her non-existent training immediately kicked in and she rushed to apply kale juice to the wound and then did some investigating.
“After the kale juice starting to work via it’s super healing properties, I immediately began investigating the cause of the accident,” explained Hari. “As you might have guessed, I concluded it was Monsanto’s fault. They have tried and failed to bring me down verbally, now they are trying to being me down physically.”
It is unclear at this point how the Food Babe came to her conclusion re: Monsanto as she is keeping that information a closely guarded secret.
“Of course I can’t reveal how I know what I know, I just know. Ya know?” explained Babe. “I am confident my army will blindly follow me once again and parrot everything I say without fact checking. My entire empire relies on it,” she laughed. “I’m currently investigating whether or not Monsanto is behind the nitrogen poisoning going on in the cabins of passengers jets.”
It appears as though members of the army are already listening:
“Come to think of it, I think I ate a GMO by mistake last month and then this month I hit my finger with a hammer. Wow, I never made the connection before now,” said Food Babe army member Seth Grainger. “Vani is changing lives.”
