Food Babe and Health Ranger finish testing GFCFSFFF diet

Health food fans everywhere jumped for joy on the announcement of the Gluten-Free, Casein-Free, Soy-Free, Flatus-Free diet (GFCFSFFF), soon to be marketed jointly by Food Baby Vain Hair and Health Ranter Ike Madams.

“Both Ike and I are big fans of gluten-free everything,” noted Hair at a press conference with Madams yesterday. “I can’t even look at Kansas on a map without farting”.  Echoed Madams, “there’s just too much stuff in food, and it gives both of us a lot of gas, which continually ruins our business dinners together. Plus soy gave me moobs and casein just sounds evil.”

Thus, a month ago, in a sacrifice previously known only to close associates, Hair and Madams locked themselves away in Ike’s Notyourold News Forensics Lab, vowing not to emerge until they had the recipe for a flatus-free diet in hand.

Hair confessed the research and development was strenuous. “We tested so many foods. Each of us served as a independent observer for the other’s gas. Ike had me wear a blindfold so I could be a blinded observer. I’m not sure what that it,  but Ike told me it was really important I do this for him and science. Then we started smelling each other everywhere because Mike said the diet couldn’t let you smell at all. Ike came up with that idea, too. We both liked that one a lot, even though it’s a lot of work sniffing someone from head to toe.”

Madams relates the night they had their breakthrough dinner: “We had been sniffing each other for six hours after eating and realized neither of us had any bad gas or smells. It was really, really incredible. I was so excited that I wanted to have an e-cig, but realized I hadn’t yet invented one that was safe, so Hair and I settled for getting each other dressed and calling this news conference.”

The GFCFSFFF diet will be available for purchase online next week, under the name “Tooten-Free Diet4Me”.

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