Many anti-vaccine zealots claim there is a an “autism epidemic” occurring in America and across the world; conversely, many Big Pharma bought doctors and scientists simply claim the definition of autism spectrum disorder has changed over time to include more children.
“Years ago a lot of children who would now be considered on the autism spectrum were simply pushed off the side and called derogatory terms like “retard” and “slow”,” explained the CDC’s Dr. Frank Vivaldi. “The definition for autism spectrum disorder has broadened over time, and we now have a much more accurate and inclusive definition.”
Apparently frustrated by anti-vaccine cult members, one CDC employee suggested a plan involving going back to the old definition. “Just go back to calling them all weirdos and slow or whatever we used to do” explained Kenny Follet from the CDC. “This whole vaccines causing autism thing has got to stop, it’s complete bullshit” said Follet. “But if that’s what it takes, then I say we should just go back to the old definition. Our autism rates would drop over night.”
Many anti-vaccine zealots are seemingly on the fence about the plan.
“While I agree that people with autism are definitively lost, damaged and soulless, I still think it is all the mercury injected directly into the bloodstreams of our children that is causing all the autisms” said Willy DeGoss, bald chiropractor and online salesman. “So I’m not quite sure what to make of this plan.”