In a stunning report released today, it was announced that parachutes are not 100% foolproof.
“Yes, we have found that sometimes parachutes can malfunction or even cause problems for the person trying to deploy one,” said Dr. Charles Yagar, lead investigator. “As with all things- like vaccines and car seats for example- we now recommend avoiding parachutes at all costs. If something is not 100% safe and effective, it is essentially worthless.”
As of press time, several anti-parachute groups had teamed up with anti-vaccine and anti-gravity groups to help get the word out.
“Vaccines, car seats, bridges, car brakes, and now parachutes? Big…Whatever can’t get anything right” said anti-vaccine supplement salesman and chiropractor Billy DeMoss. “I myself have jumped out of airplanes without a parachute many times. All you need is some supplements from my online store and maybe a back adjustment afterwards.”
Big Parachute could not be reached for comment.
