NEW YORK, NY – Big Pharma is ready to roll out it’s latest vaccine, a shot with upwards of 65% mercury, supposedly to protect against mercury poisoning.
“Look, we have a bunch of left over mercury and we’re not really sure what to do with it to be honest,” said GSK CEO Doug Hamilton. “So since we (Big Pharma) think mercury is safe, we might as well jack up the amount in vaccines and perhaps even give people immunity from mercury poisoning in the process. It’s a win-win.”
Anti-vaccine advocates are outraged at the idea:
“This is ridiculous! The 0% mercury content we have in vaccines now is already giving children all sorts of diseases, now they want to add more?!” said Dr. Sherri Tenpenny, crazy person. “This is going to change everything, I’ll have to completely re-write my books and change the formulas of almost everything in my online store. Thanks again, Obama.”
It is unclear how far along in the approval process GSK is, but since they own the CDC and the FDA, it is assumed the new mercury-heavy vaccines will be available sooner rather than later.