Black hole collision warps time, deletes February 29 from calendar

“I’m not an astro physicist, so I won’t comment on the existence of so-called gravity,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL).

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NASA scientists report that the collision of two enormous black holes over a billion years ago created gravitational waves strong enough to warp space and time itself, and that as a result 2016 will not be a leap year.

“I know we are all disappointed to lose an extra day on the calendar, which would have fallen on a Monday this year,”  said NASA spokesperson Angela Sorby, “but it’s a small sacrifice to make for one of the greatest scientific discoveries of all time.”

The black holes observed by astro physicists of the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LIGO) group created a cosmic tempest “in which the flow of time speeded, then slowed, then speeded,” said LIGO’s deputy director Dr. Stefan Bacon. “We’re not sure if time speeded up more than it slowed, or slowed more than it speeded up, but we are reasonably certain there will be no February 29 this year. Sorry about that.”

It was Albert Einstein who first announced the existence of gravitational waves in 1915. He said that a disturbance in the cosmos, such as one created by the collision of two unimaginably ginormous objects, could cause matter and energy to distort the geometry of the universe “in the way a cannon ball fired from ten feet away causes a fat man’s stomach to sag, jiggle, and stretch, producing the effect we call gravity.”

Einstein also said that gravitational waves would compress space in one direction and stretch it in another as they traveled outward. February 29, said the NASA spokesman, “just happened to be in the wrong space at the wrong time, which may or may not be ironic, depending on the data.”

But even as astronomers, physicists, and star watchers around the world applauded the discovery, some Republican presidential candidates expressed skepticism.

“I’m not an astro physicist, so I won’t comment on the existence of so-called gravity,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL). “But to suddenly say there are unproven gravitational waves sounds to me a plot by scientists to transfer wealth from job creators to NASA’s unelected leaders.”

Speaking on the campaign trail in Nevada Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) compared LIGO’s discovery to “a collision of liberal and Kenyan nationalist ideas that warp constitutional rights, thus shortening the time patriots have to act before they lose their freedoms.”

Candidate Donald Trump said that if LIGO scientists are correct, “then the wall I’m going to build on the Mexican border will be so big that it will warp Ramadan right out of existence, which would be just fine with me.”