PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA –
A
nti-vaccine activists are cheering news of a “vax/unvax” study carried out by North Korean scientists, although the findings are still unknown. The paper, to be published in the August issue of Annals of Dear Leader Science World, used a double-blind, placebo controlled protocol to determine if unvaccinated children were healthier than those who had received the entire vaccine schedule.
“We are very pleased to present the findings of lead author Dear Leader Kim Jong-Un, whose munificence and splendor are embodied in the immune systems of his subjects,” said Dr. Whang Jang Yop. “North Korea science time knowledge is once again proven to be far superior to that of the decadent west.”
Scientists at the Kim Jong-Il Institute for Science Time randomly assigned 12,000 newborns into two groups. Over a period of eight years, the study group received only placebo vaccines, and the control group received the 12 vaccines currently mandated by North Korean law.
Though the paper is unpublished, North Korean defectors hint that morbidity and mortality was high for both groups. Leading causes of death for both vaxed and untaxed children included malnutrition, dog bites, pneumonia, blunt force trauma, and work related injuries such as mine cave-ins and tractor rollovers.
Participants spent the duration of the study housed in the Kim Jong-Un Science Time Education Center, located 180 miles north of the the hermit kingdom’s capital of Pyongyang. Study participation was 100%. Neither camp guards who administered the vaccines or parents of test subjects were aware to which group children were assigned.
“We’re very excited by this paper, and at that same time feel some shame for our own country that is too beholden to pharmaceutical interests to carry out a similar inquiry,” said Barbara Lie Fisher, founder of the National Vaccine Obfuscation Center.
When asked if her group would accept data that showed no significant difference in health outcomes for both groups, Fissure erupted. “Of course not,” said Fisher. “Vaccines cause autism, brain damage, psoriasis, colitis, and scoliosis. What kind of a question is that?”
