A new study from the Johns Hopkins School of Social Research revealed that Africans who blame witches for the recent Ebola outbreak are significantly more in touch with reality than their western counterparts who variously blame the FDA, CDC, WHO, DOD, NIH Congress, Obama, and Bill Gates for the spread of the disease.
According to the study’s director, Kathy Simpson, “There is some historical and biological plausibility to the notion that black magic is being used by witches to punish the enemies of their Dark Lord with this highly deadly agent.”
“This stands in sharp contrast to Western conspiracy-theorists, whose delusions and fantasies reveal much more about them than anything resembling reality,” Simpson told The Spudd. “Many of these people honestly feel that people in industry, government and the World Health Organization want Ebola to spread, as this will create a lucrative global market for mandated use of fast tracked Ebola vaccines by every one of the seven billion human beings living on this planet.”
Simpson said that when she first read these conspiracies, she was convinced they were the product of “those inane websites where they write phony news articles, which sometimes trick the gullible.”
The formal report concluded by saying, “Just think about it. The CDC has Smallpox. There is already a vaccine they could use if their goal was to vaccinate every human being on the planet. Why not just release that? Or Bill Gates could easily pay scientists to recreate Smallpox. Why would they go through the trouble of using a virus, which while very deadly, is actually very difficult to contract? I mean really? We continue to investigate the possibility of witchcraft, however, and will update our report if new findings emerge.”